JUPITER ASCENDING | Review

I mean there are a lot of things that you could say go right in a movie, but isn’t it so much more fun to say what went wrong?

Jupiter Ascending was released over the weekend to much pomp and ceremony for various reasons – one being the promise of Channing Tatum’s pecs, which is by far the most – uh, least – important – and the other being the fact that the guys who made THE MATRIX made this movie. This was getting a whole lot of fans excited. Was their excitement worth it?

No. First thing you need to know going in is that this movie is NOT the Matrix, guys. Not even the second one or the third one, and we all know how those ones were. It is definitely an entertaining movie, but please don’t expect it to become ati a cult classic instantaneously and make some pink-lipped (rather skinny) white boy super duper duper rich (so rich, in fact, that he gave aaaaaall his salary for the third movie away, because he didn’t know what to do with it. And the third movie was the third movie. Also, why don’t people know how to spend money right?)

The basic plot is a girl who thinks she is simply a toilet cleaner but instead learns that she is part of one of the most powerful families in Middle Earth.

Hehe, got you there. Just checking if you’re paying attention. Most powerful galaxies in the universe, because as you all know from multiple sci-fi movies, the universe is a vast and far flung thing – much as we wish that all we know is all there is, we are but a minuscule and unimportant part of an ever-growing and unforgiving space. *breathe*

My main complaint, really, is that I have NO IDEA WHAT SEAN BEAN SAYS IN THE WHOLE MOVIE. He’s doing a Scottish accent, which basically means that unless he nods or starts waving frantically, I have no idea what is going on in his life.

There are a couple of really quick chases and fight sequences in the movie. Too quick for my liking, but also, there is one incredibly long one at the beginning – so long that I started going through my shopping list and was glad when it was finally over. Also, Mila Kunis is falling for half the movie, and being rescued in the other bit, which, as usual, is getting boring. Once in a while, carry your own knives, no?

And what is it, though, with Mila Kunis? How does she have a super weird face but somehow manage to be super hot at the same time? Is she the new Katherine Heigl i.e. semi-fluffy yet completely believable roles with less drama (except for Black Swan, obviously)? Will they ever catch Sheep?

Her story (Mila) continues to unravel as she is also being saved from the forces of evil, which, at the beginning of the movie, you are not sure if are in cahoots with Mr Tatum. (Tatum. It just sounds like a stripper name) I don’t understand why she was so attached to her crazy family. They seemed pretty unlikeable to me. I wish they had delved a little more into Mr Tatum’s story and how he became what he became. There were a couple of stories they kind of just ignored, really, development wise, but in all fairness, this was a pretty long movie and the first half was exposition (not the naked, GOT type) – a little over two hours. But for once, I actually like Mr Tatum in this movie. I think it is the pecs. Or something. Who cares? Make him take off his shirt. Again.

Before this review becomes the length of the movie, I will add that most of the reviews for this movie are not too great. I am not sure if it is because people were expecting a lot, or that they had the foolhardiness to release the film around the same time as the Sponge Bob movie. Just goes to show, balls and stupidity go to the same gym. But, if you are into ‘sci-fi soap operas’, as I have heard this described, a la Divergent/Number Four but older, hotter actors (except for Eddie Redmayne. Not hot. Not hot at all), you’ll like this one.