FOCUS | Review

I mean there are a lot of things that you could say go right in a movie, but isn’t it so much more fun to say what went wrong?

I watched Will Smith’s newest offering to Hollywood over the weekend. It’s a story about a conman who one should immediately suspect – if a conman looks like Will Smith, you should never ever believe anything he says because you will be distracted by his face. Walk away slowly holding your kidney. He takes on a novice con artist, played by Margot Robbie – again. Never believe beautiful people – to teach her the ropes of the industry. What unfolds is a drama across continents that involves amusing sleight-of-hand tricks, Will Smith’s face, Margot Robbie’s arse and pretty cars.

First flaw: Beautiful people. Come on. Are you telling me that cons with those faces exist? Even high profile ones? Where are the broken-nosed bullies? The wenches hardened by a life of stealing and getting caught as they perfect their darkly entertaining art? Surely you can tell a con is a con when they are super good looking? Maybe I’m just jealous. But to be fair, people treat beautiful people different from other mortals, so maybe there is a much higher success rate for pretty cons. Maybe it’s a strategy – steal a lot, get a lot of money to look super hot and then people won’t think you are conning them – BUT YOU ARE. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (CONS 101)

I didn’t buy the Will Smith – Margot Robbie romance. I mean…I get it. Will Smith is an extremely good looking (46) year old man. I can’t say for sure that I would not be rolling around – anyway. I don’t think the romance is believable, 1, because Margot Robbie is 24 and doesn’t look too far from it; 2, because a man that good looking has surely met a woman he loooooved before. There was no build up to the romance. No real reason why he opened up to her and just word vomited his life onto her lap. I mean, what made her different? Her arse? Her pleading face? What made him fall for her? Naaaaawl, bro. Naaaaaawl.

And you expect me to believe that a con artist who has been at the game for decades – is renown in said game, in fact – will just meet a chick on the street and kinda just ‘sliiiide’ her into the realm? Ati because she begged him because she just wants in (because of course, no one will have ever begged one of the greatest cons of the generation quite like that, with quite as much earnestness. Was it the puppy dog eyes? Or…?)? Ati showing her around the workshop? Ati immediately? And she isn’t even an heir to the throne – in fact – she isn’t even meant to be there that long? Ati just for some ‘nani? HA. NAAAAWL. See what I mean? Beautiful people. #AllLivesMatter

Have you noticed that Will Smith has the same dramatic face in all movies? I know he can’t change his face…but it is the exact same face. If he is supposed to be showing conflict in the movie (the conflict took a while to get to where it was supposed to be as well, IMHO), it’s always the same I’m-slightly-constipated-but-this-business-meeting-is-really-important-but-I’m-just-about-to-blow-shit-shit-shit face. The same one he had in Pursuit of Happiness (in the bathroom) and in Seven Pounds. Yes? No?

SPOILER: This entire movie is basically a love story, which is amusing to me. Kinda like Jupiter Ascending and Fast 6. So they kind of clothe it in slight conflict and explosions (Michael Bay, is that you?), but in reality…they’re making saps out of you all.

Regardless of the obvious flaws in the movie, and the fact that it isn’t Oscar material (neither was Winter’s Tale – gag – there was nowhere to go but up), Will Smith can go right on ahead making dubious movie choices because he still looks mighty fine in a suit, AND, still makes more bucks than anyone else in Hollywood, AND, *drumroll* knocked 50 Shades of Sh- uh, Grey, off of the top box office spot. There is a God.

Review submitted by Abigail Arunga